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Please stop talking about your Charley Horse

It is one of my biggest pet peeves. Expressions that make absolutely no sense. Real head-scratchers. You hear someone use one, and it just irks the heck out of you, because you have absolutely no clue where it came from. It appears these enigmatic phrases were created for the sole purpose of confusing and annoying us. And, mysteriously, they've somehow withstood the test of time. Let's take the following expression for example: "having a Charley horse". First off, who the hell is Charley, and secondly, which clown came up with that one? Let me get this straight: your muscle contracts, and you feel the need to blurt out " I got a charley horse"?. Did you just return from purchasing a prized stallion at your local stable? Or did you just get kicked in the nuts by a horse called Charley thereby yelling out something along the lines of "fuck'n Charley, fuckin horse"? Then maybe, just maybe, in a drunken stupor, the expression "Charley horse" became a thing amongst locals, but even then that would have been a stretch. I have to believe that the person who invented this was simply just horsing around.... Another expression that drives me bananas (another nonsensical saying btw), is when someone claims to be "sweating like pig". Folks, get your facts straight. Pigs don't sweat. Or hardly. The moment they begin to feel like they are heating up, they go roll in the mud to cool off. So please, stop with that one as well. Even claiming that someone was "eating like a pig" is a complete absurdity. Pigs don't eat any differently than most other animals. Now if the dude or gal happens to be making snorting sounds while consuming their grub, perhaps then this saying could become more appropriate. But heck at that point, I'd be questioning a lot more than just their eating habits. Or how about the good ol' "You can't have your cake and eat it too". Like, seriously?? I can't?? Why did I buy the cake in the first place? Was it not meant to be eaten? Was it bought as a showpiece, as an item for home decor? Or perhaps the cake was just purchased as an emergency cake, you know, the ones many Italians keep in their freezers, in case an unexpected guest shows up, but that the household members are forbidden from eating? Surely, you can and should have the cake and eat it too. If not perhaps you should pass it on like a panettone. How about when you come back inside from a deluge of rain taking place outdoors, and you tell your spouse "oh my God, it's raining cats and dogs out there!". Now, who on earth came up with that brilliant idiom? Bite your tongue boy for this sentence has no business being uttered anywhere on the face of this earth! I get it. It is possible, I suppose, during periods of heavy winds and rainfall, to see some insects perhaps, flying around? But in all recorded weather history, I've never heard of a Saint-Bernard, heck even a pair of chihuahuas, floating around outside during a rainstorm? If you have seen or witnessed such a thing, perhaps it's time you check yourself in. Talk about flying over the cuckoo's nest. Drop the shrooms, son. And finally (hey my rant isn't over, there will be a Part Deux to this blog), last but not least, the expression to "beat around the bush" absolutely has to be barred from the English vocabulary. The term actually came from Medieval times (yes hundreds of years ago) when hunters would hire men to hit bushes with sticks in order to scare small birds and animals out from their hiding places. However, the fact larger, more dangerous animals might also be hiding there caused the hunters to avoid hitting the bush itself. They would, instead, beat around the bush. But how again does this apply to modern times? Please. Do enlighten me if you can figure it out. To be continued....

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