The Fruitopians have GOT to GO

Updated: Feb 11, 2021

So here we are, awaiting the NHLPA and the Board of Governors to sign off on what looks to be a 50 or so game season. No exhibition games, a condensed schedule, (likely) more frequent cross country travelling for the Canadian teams. Hmm let me think. Yep. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. But heck we've waited so long, and frankly most of us are starved for some hockey so let's just go with da flow!


Speaking of starved, I have, for the last few weeks, ATTEMPTED to switch to a Vegetarian Diet. In short, I decided to try something new. Little to do with animal abuse, or the whole global climate crisis (though I do care about both issues immensely), more to do with selfish reasons and wanting to trim down and feel healthier . Surely this is less pathetic than some who have bamboozled us to believe that they became vegans or vegetarians because- get the tissues out- they were deeply concerned about the effects of global warming? Yet these same hoodlums have, for years, been driving jeeps, hummers, you name the oil-guzzling means of transportation their asses have sat in it! Yes you know the type -talking from both sides of their mouths - do as I say don't do as I do- who take endless showers, have all the lights on in the house at the same time and yet they have the NERVE to lecture the rest of us?


So, you're probably wondering by now what's your point clown or you just whining again? (well yes but...read on...)


Well. My point is I'm two weeks into this veggie diet and bloody starving! (Did I mention bored and depressed).


I mean let's pick on chick peas for example. I loaded up on those. Allegedly high in protein. "Chick peas are so flavorful" I was told by many vegans "you can mix'em up with some herbes de Provence, sprinkle in some cumin, virgin olive oil, a dash of Modena vinegar, Himalayan salt, some paprika...some... ARE YOU SERIOUS?


I mean one: who has time and money to buy all these ingreditents and two you can sprinkle ANYTHING with a hundred thousand spices and it'll end up tasting good don't you think? I mean at that point you aren't really tasting that THING anymore you're just eating the spices (cue in the Beastie boys line "I love my sugar with coffee and cream").

Here. Let's try an experiment : sprinkle a billion spices on some cardboard, pardon me tofu, and you have nothing but the taste of the bowl of spices you covered it with!


"Oh you're quite wrong as a matter of fact Paul. Tofu is great when mixed in with juniper berries, cinnamon, tumeric, basted in chrystanthemums flowers and cardamoms" and bla bla bla. ....Stop. Please. Before I pull my hair out (or is it falling all on its own given the lack of zinc in my new vegan diet?).


Like I was saying in order to make these dishes semi-appetizing they give you a laundry list of spices and so off you go on an endless scavenger hunt. Why? Because there are so many of them and they are so hard to find in the grocery store! Do you think I have time to fly to France to find these freakn Herbes de Province? To play Little Red Riding Hood and go hopping in the woods? To join Luigi and Super Mario and go collect mushrooms? Or perhaps with my luck, Marie Antoinette fwill all from the sky and hand me a lovely bouquet ladden with juniper berries and chrystanthemum flowers.


One certainty a couple of weeks in of eating lentils, pickled carrots, and "spiced up " chick peas as well as the delightful, flavored cardboard tofu I was left farting, starving, and depressed. But, hey allegedly, my cholesterol had likely gone down and I was also helping save the planet and Willy the Whale.


Let me be clear here folks: I have no beef (pardon the pun) with vegans, vegetarians pescatarians or heck even with presbyterians. But the ones I've had it UP TO HERE with are the unbearable Fruitopians!


Now you may be asking what the heck is a Fruitopian. Weeeeeeellll let me tell you (roll of the eyes): A fruitopian is someone who is a vegan BUT who may only eat a fruit or vegetable (nuts too- pun intended) that would have fallen off its tree or left its root on its own (in other words don't you dare cut its umbilical cord!). Yep, you got that right. The thought behind this is that fruits, veggies, nuts you name it have "feelings " (can we offer them some college-sponsored "safe spaces" too?) and we should not be plucking them away from their mother tree. Hence, you must sit there, like a stooge, and wait for it to fall off or part from its stem or root. Yep, pull up a lawn chair, sit under the tree, until a Liberty apple or a stubborn cranberry finally donks you on the head. Congrats. Buffet time has finally arrived You may now begin your feast (but first be sure to ask permission from the Talking Tree)....


And so I began to ponder how does this work when it comes to the root vegetables (yes I do have a lot of time on my hands)? Does Mr Potatohead push the potato out from under the earth when its ready to go into the world? Does Mother Turnip suddenly one day decide to cut ties with its now fully grown children as they begin their lifelong journey on the way to a fruitopian's aching belly? What "techniques" have Fruitopians developed over time to you know "egg" a fruit or vegetable from falling down (like say blowing hard at a lightweight vegetable like a lettuce or a intimidating a poor flimsy herb like a basilica leaf in the hopes it will fall off)?


Now folks, I assure you, I am neither closed-minded, right wing in my political views or an insensitive SOB. In fact my friends would likey describe me as someone who is "cool as a cucumber" (perhaps also a "couch potato" but I'd rather not go there). Again, I DON'T want to paint all vegans with the same brush and I find it such a shame that a minority of Extremists (there I said it), some "bad apples" in the lot, can ruin the reputation of a majority of well intentioned, reasonable people that compose this category of Vegans.


But in order to save myself from "going bananas" over these overly sensitive fruitards I see only one solution to preserve my sanity: The Fruitopians have GOT to GO.


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